


Heartbeats

by wingardium_letmefuckyou



Series: What I cannot say out loud [3]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gender-Neutral Apprentice (The Arcana), Jealousy, Other, Valerius doesn't know how to emotion, You would think he learned how to do it after all this time, but nope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 08:31:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20272993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingardium_letmefuckyou/pseuds/wingardium_letmefuckyou
Summary: Valerius is possessive and insecure and not very good at sharing his real emotions.





	Heartbeats

**Author's Note:**

> The song that inspired this story (and the title): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-liyr-Xq3E

The moon is already high up in the sky when you finally enter Valerius’ chambers. It has been a long and tiring day, your feet are aching and you want nothing more than to curl up against your lover to finally relax. Said lover is sitting on the chaise longue, a book on his lap, a bottle of wine and a glass on the small coffee table. He barely looks up when you close the door behind you, only moving to flip a page. That should have been the first sign for you to realize something was wrong, had you not been so thoroughly exhausted and unaware of the tense atmosphere in the room. You say his name and kiss his cheek in greeting, still oblivious to the lack of reaction from the Consul. You reach for the bottle, an expensive vintage you both enjoy, only to find it empty already.  
“Oh, you finished it without me,” you pout and that’s when Valerius finally decides to grace you with his attention.  
“It wouldn’t have been if you had been here sooner, Magician,” he sneers and there’s a hint of venom in his voice that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It’s a sudden awakening for your tired mind and you finally pick up on the tension in the room. Valerius appears cold, distant, those walls of control high up around him.  
It’s not the first time one of you is late due to obligations to the court, it’s part of the life you lead so this reaction has you slightly worried. When the Consul is upset or hurt, he doesn’t shout or make a scene, he’s not one to engage in dramatic quarrels. He hides away, behind this meticulously constructed image of control and restraint, behind an air of arrogance to protect his vulnerability. Just like he is doing now. 

“I was busy testing out spells with Asra for the Masquerade, I thought you knew I was going to be late,” you say carefully. Valerius was aware that Nadia had assigned you and Asra the job to develop enchantments for the next Masquerade. Once the two of you started to play around with magic, you easily lost track of time, enjoying the thrill of seeking out the boundaries of your powers.  
“Of course you were with Asra,” the Consul say, almost spitting out the name and that’s when everything clicks into place.  
“You’re jealous.”  
“Jealousy would imply that I care. And I do not care if you prefer to fuck your Magician friend behind my back.” The words are cold, calculated, meant to hurt. The rational part of you knows that he says the exact opposite of what he means, that he’s insecure and rather lash out than admit that out loud. But his words also stir something inside you, the lack of confidence in your love for him has ignited an anger that you barely can suppress. It’s agonizing to see him like that, completely tangled up in his own emotions but it also hurts you when you’re in the line of fire.  
“He’s my friend,” you begin, already interrupted when Valerius snorts at the word friend.  
“I owe him my life, he was always there for me,” you continue, trying to keep control of your trembling voice, “I can’t help it if you do not trust me. If you don’t believe he’s only a friend.”  
Your words seem to have the opposite effect, reminding Valerius that you and Asra share a heart does nothing to put him at ease. It only confirms that you share a bond that he will never be able to recreate with you, that there is something he can’t give you. Because he would, without hesitation, give you his heart if he could. If only he realized he’s already giving you everything you want and need.  
You can feel tears threatening to spill from your eyes. Damn your tendency to cry when you’re angry. Right now you need sleep and rest and preferably some cuddles, not this.  
“Can we discuss this in the morning, please?” you ask, pinching your brow.  
You really need to make Valerius see some sense. The man is insecure and possessive which gives for a wonderful cocktail of jealousy and abandonment issues. You’ve been over this so many times before, reassuring him in every way you know but this evening you just lack the patience and the energy. And frankly, he’s being rude.  
“So eager to go back to him?” Valerius sneers, a look of distaste on his face. The green monster really doesn’t become him.  
Something snaps, every spark he’s been feeding you turning the fire inside into an inferno. He startles when you stride up to him, grabbing his hand and pushing it against your chest. Your heartbeat is hard and fast underneath it, thumping away furiously.  
“Do you feel this?” you hiss.  
Valerius is watching you with wide eyes, the first crack in his cool exterior. He nods.  
“It belongs to you. You! It’s you, Val.”  
That’s when your voice breaks, your hands trembling: “Only you. Always you!”  
There’s no use in stopping your tears now, letting them run freely. You turn around, not giving Valerius a chance to respond and you run away, slamming the door shut behind you. 

*

The plush chair in the library becomes uncomfortable after being curled up in it for a few hours. The letters are swimming in front of you but it doesn’t matter. You stopped concentrating on your book a while ago. Too tired to read, too upset to sleep. You’ve been debating going back for the last half hour, back to Valerius. It’s not something you prefer doing, leaving him behind when he’s in a mood like that but you definitely needed some space. You needed some room to breath and calm down.  
The clicking and whirring from the library locks stirs you from your thoughts. You frown, almost no one ever visits the palace library, let alone at this hour. You can’t immediately see who’s entering, the light of your candle not strong enough to light the whole place. The footsteps approaching you sound familiar though.  
Valerius steps into the light and he looks a mess, mirroring the way you think you must look after a whole evening of crying and fretting. His braid is coming loose, his eyes are puffy and red. You ache to comfort and touch him but before you can reach out, he’s sinking on his knees in front of you. Valerius reaches for your hand, his movements slow and careful, giving you time to pull away if you wished to do so. His fingers are warm and soft around yours, sending shivers down your spine. He brings your hand to his lips, kissing the tip of each finger tenderly, reverently. Valerius never breaks eye contact, his gaze upon you the whole time, afraid that you might dissolve if he dares to look away. The candlelight is reflected in the gold of his eyes, eyes that are hiding nothing. He’s showing you his soul, open and vulnerable. Beautiful.  
You can feel the wet streaks on your cheeks from the tears that start to flow again, the tears he gently wipes away with his thumb, caressing your face like it’s the most precious treasure in the world.  
Slowly, deliberately, he brings your hand to his chest, pressing it over his heart. You can feel the soft beats beneath your palm, leaving an invisible imprint.  
And you know, you understand. Only you, always you…


End file.
